


lovely, lonely

by moonddust



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Hurt No Comfort, Mikasasha - Freeform, POV Mikasa Ackerman, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Season/Series 04 Spoilers, mikasasha roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29508879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonddust/pseuds/moonddust
Summary: Mikasa has low self-esteem and Sasha likes writing notes for her.
Relationships: Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Mikasa Ackerman & Sasha Blouse, Mikasa Ackerman/Sasha Blouse, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 101





	lovely, lonely

**Author's Note:**

> \- contains ch 105 / s4 ep8 major spoilers and ch 112 vague spoilers  
> \- mentions of blood  
> \- disclaimer: the historia portrayed here is more like krista but it felt weird using that name lol  
> \- sorry in advance if the timeline is a bit inaccurate to canon
> 
> here's my sad mikasasha playlist if ur interested: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7sQN6jWqQmYqQC3TC4lM01?si=8rdejGgESXWXeyu3e8eLZA
> 
> feedback is greatly appreciated :) enjoy !!

There was a loud outburst of laughter from across the room. Curious as to what could've prompted such a reaction, Mikasa looked up from where she was spooning lukewarm soup into her mouth, then promptly wished she hadn't upon seeing that Eren was among the group, chuckling at something Historia had said.

She resumed to her soup, sighing unhappily. The only other person at the table was Sasha, who had decided to take on a second serving and was seated across from her. She raised an eyebrow at Mikasa's reaction, then turned her head to see for herself the commotion behind her. She spun back around after two seconds and gave Mikasa a slightly irritated look.

"Are you still moping about Eren?" she asked, unimpressed.

Mikasa grumbled, looking away. "I just don't understand why he's nice to everyone but me."

Sasha shoved a large spoonful into her mouth before gulping it down quickly. Wiping at the corner of her mouth, she asserted, "Boys are strange, you know? He definitely cares about you, if that's what you're worried about." She paused briefly, then continued with a grin that had Mikasa dreading her next words. "Or..." She made a great show of lowering her voice and leaning in as if she was about to let Mikasa in on some grand secret. "Is it that you want him to _like_ you?"

Mikasa gasped loudly before swiftly covering Sasha's mouth with her palm. "Don't be ridiculous!" She exclaimed, her face flushing scarlet.

Sasha gently grabbed her wrist to move her hand away before laughing. "Mikasa! You're so painfully obvious, I almost feel bad for you!" Her laughter died down a little, although one side of her mouth still had a slight lift to it. "Eren has to be next-level oblivious to not be able to tell." She gestured to Mikasa's half-eaten dinner. "If you want to talk to him, you should. I'll finish your soup," she added with a grin.

Mikasa shook her head. "It's fine. He seems perfectly alright over there, without me to 'bother him,' as he says." She rested her face in her hands with a sour expression. "Well, I don't know... maybe it's my fault."

"Mikasa!" Sasha protested. "What are you talking about? All you're doing is being a good friend. If Eren can't recognize that, that's _his_ problem." She huffed, then turned around once more. Mikasa peered over her shoulder just in time to see Eren's face light up as Armin joined the group. Sasha regarded Mikasa with a thoughtful look. "To be honest, I don't think Historia's the one you should be worrying about. Eren and Armin have always been quite close, haven't they?"

She recalled her two closest friends' tendency to always be around each other and was surprised to find that she didn't mind it much. "Maybe," she agreed.

"Listen." Sasha raised her arms behind her head to tighten her ponytail. "I think you're a bit too harsh on yourself. Who cares if Eren doesn't appreciate you? You're pretty cool - at least to me." Mikasa blushed at the raw sincerity in her eyes.

"I'm going to have to leave if you plan on being sappy," she replied with a shy smile.

"Don't leave!" Sasha groused. Picking up on the shuffling behind her, she hurriedly chowed down the rest of her soup and stood up. "Actually, we should get going. It's pretty late." Mikasa nodded and followed her to their room.

Mikasa settled under the covers, lying on her back. She stared up at the stone ceiling sparsely covered in small cracks. She followed a longer crack with her gaze until it ended abruptly near the center of the ceiling, about halfway between her and Sasha's beds. She peered over to where Sasha was lying and saw that she was observing the ceiling, too.

"You should get some sleep," Mikasa said softly. "We have a lot to do tomorrow."

"Says the one who's also awake," Sasha teased. She turned so she was facing Mikasa, then closed her eyes. Her face relaxed into one of peace. "G'night, Mikasa."

"...Night." She reached for the candle and blew it out, letting darkness wash over them. Then, she lied back down and fell asleep to the soothing sound of Sasha's snores.

She awoke to a voice impatiently calling her name. "Mikasa... Mikasa! Wake up!" She opened her eyes slowly, then startled when met with Sasha's disapproving face no more than three inches from her own.

"Sasha, what the hell?"

Sasha smiled, looking far too happy with herself for Mikasa's liking. "It's time for breakfast," she informed. "And you're still in bed. _And_ your hair's a mess." Mikasa scowled half-heartedly as she gave a little chuckle. "C'mon, aren't _you_ usually the one who gets _my_ ass up?"

Groaning, Mikasa pushed Sasha away before sitting up. She rubbed at her eyes and yawned. Upon reopening them, she found a piece of paper resting in her lap. She picked it up with a questioning glance.

Offering no explanation, Sasha merely prompted her to read it.

"Won't we be late to breakfast?" Mikasa asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"It'll only take a second!" Sasha insisted.

Mikasa cast her one last questioning look before she unfolded it skeptically.

_Day 1: Mikasa!!!! Good morning :))_

_You're probably the bravest person I've ever met!!_

Ignoring the way her heart rate had sped up so suddenly, she looked up at Sasha, who was beaming at her.

"What... what's this?"

Sasha came to sit at the edge of her bed. Mikasa crossed her legs so they wouldn't get in the way. "It got me thinking - yesterday, when we were talking at dinner. I'd really like to see you believe in yourself more. So I thought I'd help out a bit." She fell back onto the bed with a faint "oof" and let her eyes fall close. "So, from now on, I'm going to write you a nice note every day!" She peeked at Mikasa through one eye, lips stretching into a silly grin that twisted Mikasa's stomach weirdly. "How's that?"

Mikasa stared down at her, dumbfounded. "That's... You don't..." She couldn't seem to collect her thoughts. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Sasha, this is really nice but... you don't have to."

Sasha shrugged. "I want to." She got off the bed and patted down her pants. "Okay, _now_ we have to go." She offered a hand to Mikasa, who grabbed it uncertainly. Her mind was still a mess.

Sasha turned to head out the door.

"Sasha!" Mikasa called out in a rush. She glanced over her shoulder.

"Hm?"

She smiled easily. "Thank you."

Sasha waved off her gratitude. "Yeah, yeah. C'mon now, I'm starving." She eyed the note still stiff between Mikasa's fingers. "You can toss that in the trash."

Mikasa hesitated. "Right... Um, I need to grab something. You go ahead without me."

Sasha raised an eyebrow but didn't prod. "I'm going to go find Connie and Jean, then. See you!" Mikasa returned her wave and waited until she could no longer see Sasha before shoving the note in her pocket. For some reason, she felt she should keep the fact that she hadn't discarded it a secret. Afterward, she made a quick trip to the bathroom. Staring back at her reflection in the mirror, she briefly ran a hand through her slightly tangled hair before huffing in exasperation and deciding her bedhead was manageable enough for her to head straight to breakfast.

She got her share of bread and milk before joining Armin at a table near the doorway. At the other end of the table, Eren and Jean were yelling something incomprehensible in each other's faces, voices rapidly increasing in volume. Nibbling on the bread, she asked Armin, "What are they fighting about this time?"

He shook his head with mild amusement. "Supposedly Jean bumped into Eren and almost caused him to spill his drink. And then Jean accused him of lying, and, well, now they're at each other's throats."

Mikasa gulped down half her glass of milk, then firmly set it down onto the wooden surface. "Nothing new, then."

Armin peered at her before his eyes crinkled cheerily. He tapped at his cupid's bow. "Mikasa, you've got a mustache."

She quickly wiped her mouth, slightly embarrassed, then took another bite of the bread. To be honest, it was a bit stale, but nothing notable enough to bother her. She finished the meal quickly and sneaked a peek at the note, holding it under the table so it was hidden from Armin's view. She didn't know why, but it felt like something personal... something special.

"What's that?" Armin's curious voice made her jump a bit. Evidently, she had not done a very good job concealing it from prying eyes.

"Oh, it's- it's nothing." But he was waiting expectantly, a habit he'd picked up since they were little. He'd explained how his parents had taught him it was rude to meddle in others' affairs, so instead of intruding further, he'd just sit there and wait. Mikasa knew his curious mind wouldn't be content until he'd gotten his question answered, though, so she relented. "Just a note... Nothing special."

"Who's it from?" he asked politely.

"Oh, um, Sasha. It's from Sasha."

Armin gave a slight raise of his eyebrows. "Oh?"

For reasons she could not fathom, sweat began to prick on her skin. Could Armin see through her? Could he see that their conversation was making her incredibly nervous? Could he tell that she was so worked up over a couple of lines of ink on paper? Could he see that she... Mikasa became aware that she herself wasn't even sure how to finish that sentence.

She was thankful for the sudden call for everyone to finish up and head outside. She was about to follow Armin out the door but remembered the note still sitting in her pocket. She didn't want to accidentally rip it or anything of the sort during training, so she stopped in her tracks. Armin looked back, confused.

"Er, I need to use the bathroom real quick," she said.

"But we're going to be late," Armin frowned.

"Don't wait for me," she said quickly. "It'll just be a second."

Mikasa hurried back to her room, where she reached under her bed for the box she had put there when they had first moved into their rooms. Its original purpose was to hold her spare clothes, but she had long since relocated those inside the closet. She removed the lid, put the note inside, then hurriedly slid the box back under the bed. She sprinted to join the rest of the cadets, and was relieved to find that she had made it just in time.

Their training for that day consisted of a ten-mile run, maneuver gear practice, hand-to-hand combat exercises, and other various workouts that dragged on endlessly. It was rigorous and had even Mikasa drenched in sweat by the end of the day. They took turns taking quick showers; everyone was too exhausted to put in the energy for idle chit-chat. At dinnertime, it surprised everyone that Connie - on the urge of falling asleep - faceplanted into his bowl of soup and didn't even react. It surprised everyone further that Ymir didn't bother to make a single joke about it. When the cadets could finally turn in for the night, they returned to their respective rooms in a manner more resembling a ghost's drift than a human's gait. Mikasa and Sasha murmured a good night to each other, then promptly fell asleep in odd positions - Mikasa with her head and arm hanging off the side of her bed and Sasha with her body curled like a caterpillar at the foot of hers.

The following evening, Mikasa was in her room, doodling. She yawned, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth.

Just as she put down the parchment and dip pen, Sasha came rushing in from the doorway.

"Oh, you're still up! Here!" Sasha dashed to her bed and took something out from under the pillow. Returning, she offered it to Mikasa.

Mikasa, took the note, surprised. "I thought you were kidding about doing this every day."

She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't lie about that."

She unfolded it.

_Day 2: Your hair is so pretty!! And it looks so soft!!_

She raised a hand to her hair. "Is it really?"

"Yes!" Sasha affirmed. "How do you take care of it so well? I have to have mine in a ponytail; otherwise, it would be super gross."

Mikasa pondered over it briefly. "I don't know. Maybe it's the shampoo I use?"

Sasha's eyes lit up and she beamed not unlike a kid hearing news of taking a trip down to the candy store. "Can I see it?"

Mikasa was slightly taken aback, but agreed. "It's in the shared bathroom. We should hurry, since we have to turn in for the night soon." Sasha nodded eagerly and the two quietly headed into the hall and to the bathroom. Mikasa opened the door slowly; nobody was inside. She held it open for Sasha, then entered behind her. The clear bottle was next to the sink, and Mikasa picked it up. She held it out toward Sasha. "It's pretty ordinary."

Sasha untwisted the cap and Mikasa had to hide a laugh at the way she scrutinized it. "It looks better than mine, for some reason." She proceeded to bring it in front of her nose, taking a sniff. "And it smells better too!"

Now, Mikasa let out a laugh. "Let's head back now."

Sasha put the lid back on and handed her the bottle back. "Say, would you mind letting me using it sometime? My hair's been really awful lately."

"Oh, um, sure." Mikasa didn't expect for her to rather like the idea. It caused something odd - though not entirely unwelcome - to stir in her stomach.

"Thanks! You're the best." Sasha flashed her a brilliant smile, and Mikasa swore her heart stuttered from it.

"It's nothing," she muttered. The two returned to their room, this time with Sasha holding the door for Mikasa. They bid each other good night before crawling into their respective beds and slowly dozing off.

Mikasa shook Sasha awake. After what felt like a whole ten minutes of getting her to get up, she headed to the bathroom to wash up. When she returned, Sasha was ready with her note. Mikasa sat herself down on Sasha's bed to read it.

_Day 3: You are sooo cool. I aspire to be like you, really_

"You're cooler," Mikasa grinned.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Okay, that's enough. We sound like little kids."

Sasha laughed. "It's nice to have a bit of fun, sometimes."

Mikasa's eyes fell on the downturned parchment on her pillow. "Oh! I almost forgot!" She leaned across the bed to reach for it. Sasha followed her movement, puzzled.

Settling back into her original position opposite Sasha, she suddenly felt very shy. "Here," she said, handing Sasha the paper. "I, um, drew something... for you." She bit her lip, anxious for Sasha's reaction.

Sasha's eyes widened as she gazed down at the illustration. "Is this me?" she gasped, astounded. Mikasa nodded, a small smile on her face. "This is incredible! I never knew you could draw so well." Her eyes lifted slightly to meet Mikasa's, then returned to the paper in awe.

Mikasa shrugged, face flushing pleasantly at the praise. "I used to draw a lot when I was younger," she explained.

"It looks exactly like me!" Sasha exclaimed. "Thanks, Mikasa. I love it a lot." She looked absolutely joyous, aiming a smile that could only be described as radiant at Mikasa.

"I'm glad you like it," was all Mikasa managed to say - her heart felt like it would burst. She decided being the reason for Sasha's happiness was something she was rather fond of.

Sasha abruptly sat up straight. "Shit," she said.

"What is it?"

"We're on stables duty today," Sasha reminded her.

She nodded, relieved nothing terrible had happened. "Right."

When they arrived, Sasha immediately wrinkled her nose. "I can never get used to the smell."

Mikasa looked at the horses' grimy coats, grimacing. "Let's hurry and get this over with, then."

_Day 5: Morning!! Sorry I didn't wake you up, I thought you'd like to get some extra sleep :) You must be tired of dealing with our bs all the time haha_

Mikasa smiled a bit at the note. She put it away with the others and got ready for the day.

She found her way to the table where Sasha was, along with Armin, Eren, Connie, Jean, Ymir, and Historia. They turned to greet her when she arrived. Armin scooted to the left to make some room for her between him and Jean, who stuttered out a "hello". On his other side sat Eren and across from him, Ymir. Beside her was Historia, Sasha, and - finally - Connie.

"I grabbed you a bowl," Armin gestured. Mikasa thanked him gratefully.

Sasha swiftly wiped her mouth before leaning forward with her elbows planted on the table. There was an unmistakable, mischievous glint in her eyes. "Mikasa! Guess what you missed?" Mikasa opened her mouth to reply, but was taken by surprise when Connie thwacked the back of Sasha's head irritatedly. "Oi! Would you quit telling everyone you see?"

"You know she won't listen," Jean said with a snort.

Sasha rubbed the back of her head, wincing, but quickly recovered. "Mr. Genius here managed to trip on nothing but air and smack _headfirst_ into a post!" Her voice became muffled as Connie rushed to cover her mouth. "Even worse, he managed to make someone drop their plate!" she finished, cackling delightedly.

Mikasa couldn't help but smile - both at the preposterous incident that would only happen to Connie and at the pure glee radiating off Sasha.

"I feel bad for that poor girl," Ymir commented, sipping on her juice. "Must've been traumatizing having a random bald dude crashing into her like that."

Connie shot her a glare. _"Hey!"_

"Jean probably wishes it were him," Eren smirked. "I mean, it'd be the closest he's ever gotten to a girl."

"Oh, you want to go there? Think you're tough shit, you suicidal bastard?" Jean rolled up his sleeves and began to stand up; Eren followed suit.

Armin and Mikasa shared a look, but they were used to it. At this point, this was a daily occurrence and no one was particularly phased by it. So while the two boys went at each other in their petty dispute, the rest of them finished their meals, occasionally chattering in between bites.

"Is it really fine to leave them like this?" Historia asked worriedly as the group (all but the two boys still fruitlessly fighting) were about to leave the room.

Sasha waved off her concern. "They're always like this - don't worry, Captain Levi will sort them out. Besides, I bet they're secretly best friends, or something."

"You're probably right," Armin smiled. "They just don't know how to do anything other than fight."

"This is why I don't fuck with boys," Ymir quipped. "You guys never think with your brain, it seems."

"Now, now, let's not generalize," Connie retorted, insulted. "Those two dimwits don't represent the rest of us normal people."

Sasha snorted. "You hardly count as 'normal,' Connie."

He shoved her playfully, and the group fell into an easy round of laughter. Mikasa found that she rather liked it here, surrounded by the people she cared about the most.

_Day 11: You underestimate yourself so much, it's crazy_

Mikasa's face grew warm at the compliment. "Since when did you have such a way with words?"

Sasha grinned, sitting herself down cross-legged across from Mikasa on the bed. Their knees touched (something that Mikasa was hyperaware of). "Don't tell Jean I said this, but he practices cheesy pick-up lines on me _all the time_. He has a _huge_ crush, it's so embarrassing."

Mikasa raised an eyebrow curiously. "Really? Who?"

Sasha stared at her. "Me, of course," she deadpanned. Mikasa's eyes widened. "But you said-"

She cut her off with an exasperated huff. "No, stupid! That was a joke. It's you, obviously. Anyone with eyes can see that."

Mikasa was genuinely surprised. "Me? Why?"

Sasha looked as if she wanted to knock some sense into Mikasa. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because you're strong, smart, pretty, talented, a literal goddess-"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Mikasa interjected, blushing. "But that's not true. I'm none of that."

"Oh, shut up!" Sasha exclaimed. Then she seemed aware that her voice had raised a few decibels too high, and lowered her voice. "You _are_ all that _._ See, this is exactly why I'm writing these notes. It makes me, like, _physically_ sick whenever you say shit like this."

"Sasha, you're being dramatic. It's alright."

"It's _not!"_ She protested. "Why won't you believe me?"

Mikasa found she wasn't quite sure how to respond.

Sasha sighed, deciding to drop the subject. "So, what do you think? Does Jean have a chance?"

Mikasa gave a slight shake of her head apologetically. "Sorry. You know how I am about, um, Eren."

"Eren again? You seriously need to get him out of your system." Mikasa glowered unhappily. She knew that. "Why don't you just tell him?"

Mikasa made a face. "No way. I'd like to keep my dignity, thanks."

"Mikasa!" She whined. "Eren's clueless... like you, actually." She grinned at Mikasa's glare here. "If you don't say the words 'I like you' to his face, he'll never get it. Got it?"

She covered her face. "Okay, but how am I supposed to do that? I go up to him and tell him, just like that?"

Sasha brought a hand to her chin, contemplating this. "True... that _does_ sound a bit daunting." Deep lines formed between her eyebrows. She suddenly uncrossed her legs, instead bending them so that she sat on her knees. "You know what? We should take a page out of Jean's book and practice." She rolled off the bed and Mikasa yelped in horror as she nearly rolled straight onto the ground. Unphased, she gestured for Mikasa to stand up as well. "Here, I'll be Eren. Just say what you'd say to him, but to me."

Mikasa swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up slowly. She turned to face Sasha, who was about two feet away.

"Er..."

Sasha smiled reassuringly.

Mikasa clasped her hands together so she wouldn't be tempted to pick at her nails. "Um, hi, Eren." _God, this was so strange._

"Hi, Mikasa!" Sasha replied.

She rubbed at her nape awkwardly. "So... I have something to tell you."

Sasha tilted her head. "What is it?"

She angled her gaze downwards, away from Sasha's bright eyes. "I... um, I like... you." She snapped her mouth shut, embarrassed. "That was so bad," she groaned. "It's not going to work."

Sasha frowned. "Why are you so nervous? I'm not actually Eren, you know," she laughed.

Mikasa shook her head. "I don't know, it's just... weird."

"Well, we can try again later. We're free for a couple of hours today, right? Let's grab some food and take a walk along the river."

On the way out, they bumped into Ymir and Historia. Ymir was brushing Historia's hair, who was seated on a crate, humming absentmindedly. Historia was the one who noticed them first, and she greeted them with a warm smile. "Sasha! Mikasa!"

"Hey, guys!" Sasha responded cheerfully. Mikasa waved.

"Are you two going on a walk?" Historia inquired.

They nodded in unison.

"Oh, good!" Historia slid off the crate. Ymir dropped her hand. "We were thinking about doing that, too. Mind if we join you?"

"Who's this 'we' you're talking about?" Ymir grumbled.

"Of course not!" Sasha replied. To Ymir, she smiled encouragingly. "C'mon! It'll be fun." Ymir looked less than happy, but joined them nevertheless.

They walked along the path, Sasha and Historia in the middle with Mikasa and Ymir at their respective sides. They discussed nonsensical things like the weather, their chores, and what their favorite type of soup was.

"Cauliflower soup," Mikasa and Historia agreed. Ymir liked mushroom. Sasha decided on leek, although her ideal meal included some roast ham, of course.

"How do you like being a scout so far?" Historia asked everyone.

"Alright," Mikasa supplied.

"Kind of fun, to be honest," was Sasha's answer. "Well, aside from my fear of heights. Is it or is it not absolutely terrifying being dozens of meters up in the air?"

"Of course you'd be afraid of something as piteous as heights," Ymir snorted.

Historia shot her a stern look. "Ymir! Don't be rude."

She put her hands up as if surrendering. "I just meant that it's funny how someone who was reckless enough to willingly join the scout regiment would be scared of a bit of distance between them and the ground." She glanced at Sasha. "I mean, isn't facing a giant naked thing much more frightening, in comparison?"

Sasha nodded thoughtfully. "You're right, actually. Hm, maybe heights aren't so bad." Ymir snorted again.

"The way they move is quite unsettling," Mikasa inputted.

"And their faces," Sasha added with a shudder. "Gross."

"Some of them run around like toddlers," Historia laughed softly. "They _are_ rather scary looking, but if you really think about it, they're more ridiculous than anything."

Ymir scoffed. "Only you'd call titans 'ridiculous.'"

"I always wondered about them," Sasha said. "Like, where do they even come from? What, is there a kingdom of titans past the mountains or something?"

Historia giggled. "Your imagination is extraordinary, Sasha."

Mikasa furrowed her brows. "The concept of titans really is absurd. I wonder if we'll ever be able to fully understand them, and this strange world we live in."

Ymir remained quiet, looking straight ahead at the pink and orange flowers sprouting off the sides of the path. Suddenly, a thin layer of darkness washed over them.

Sasha stopped walking and looked up. The others stopped as well. "It seems like it might rain."

"Weird. The sky wasn't so gray just a moment ago," Mikasa observed.

"Great," Ymir muttered. "Just in time for us to head outside the walls, too."

"Can't be worse than the time we had to go at night," Historia assured optimistically.

The four girls hurried back to put on their equipment in preparation for yet another mission.

Unfortunately, Historia had been wrong. The rain was infinitely worse than the darkness of the night. For starters, the nighttime mission didn't require them to actively fight any titans; they were merely out to obtain information. That aside, the sky now was so dull that it could've been mistaken for night anyway. Secondly, the rain made the maneuver gear so slippery that Mikasa feared it would slip out of her hands. If this wasn't bad enough, wind decided to join the party, essentially shooting the downpour at the scouts' faces like bullets as well as interfering with their otherwise clear vision. Mikasa repeatedly pulled her hood over her head, but it was useless as the gale would promptly blow it off. She grit her teeth and persisted onward.

Unable to stop herself, she constantly looked over at Sasha in worry - she knew that Sasha wasn't so confident with her skills in regards to dealing with titans. The thought of losing her terrified Mikasa beyond imagination.

 _"Ackerman!"_ The voice called out just in time for her to steer past the incoming titan's outstretched hand. She glanced back gratefully, heart pounding. She really had to do something about her tendency to get distracted so easily.

Dinner had just ended half an hour ago, and the two girls were enjoying a calm evening.

"So... about Jean."

Sasha looked up from where she was reading. "What about him?"

"He doesn't still like me, right?"

"Oh!" She shook her head dismissively. "He got over it. I hinted that you didn't feel the same."

Mikasa frowned slightly.

Sasha raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you've decided you actually _do_ like him?"

"No!" Mikasa exclaimed. "I just thought, well... isn't that a bit mean?"

"Not really. Would you rather lead him on?"

"Oh... You're right. Thanks."

"Mhm." Sasha made her way to Mikasa. "Anyways, enough about Jean. Read my note!"

Mikasa complied.

_Day 25: The way you care for everyone is so admirable_

"It's only natural," Mikasa shrugged.

She poked a finger at Mikasa's shoulder. "Most people have regards for their own safety, unlike you."

"I can handle it."

"I know you can," she smiled. "But that doesn't mean you don't scare the shit out of me. Just be a bit more careful, will you?"

"Maybe take your own advice first. What was that stunt you pulled yesterday? If I hadn't been there, who knows what... what could've happened..."

Sasha rolled her eyes. "I thought I could take it down myself - my bad. I'm fine now, aren't I?"

Mikasa frowned. "There'll be a day when you won't be so lucky. I just don't want you to get hurt, okay?"

"Okay. But you stop putting yourself in danger, too. The rest of us aren't nearly as competent as you - that's a given - but we can fend for ourselves."

"Fine." She held out her pinky. "Promise?"

Sasha grinned, linking their pinkies together. "Promise."

This particular note came moments before their most challenging mission yet. The horrid weather combined with the strong ambush of wind was a definite recipe for disaster.

Sasha guided her horse closer to Mikasa's and held out the note under the protection of her cloak.

"Hurry, so it doesn't get wet."

"Why are you giving this to me _now?"_ She questioned, but took it anyway.

_Day 58:_ _You are insanely strong!! Like... wow_

"Because you looked anxious, so I thought a reminder would be nice. You know, that you have nothing to worry about, being the strongest one of us here."

Sasha's consideration made Mikasa want to give her a big hug right there and then.

"I'm alright," she said.

"Ha, 'alright'? You've singlehandedly killed - what - over fifteen titans already? That's got to be some new record."

Mikasa scoffed. "Anything I do, Captain Levi's done ten times more."

"Yeah, but..." Sasha's hood suddenly flew off. She squinted at the onslaught of rain against her face and quickly pulled her hood back over her head, annoyed. "What was I saying? Oh! To even be comparable to Captain Levi is a huge feat. So, stop doubting yourself."

Mikasa stared at her even as she steered her horse away to put some distance between them. The commander's deafening voice shook her out of her daze, and the scouts charged forward with determination in their eyes.

The wetness made the maneuvering gear slippery in Mikasa's hands, but she merely tightened her grasp on it. A ten-meter titan approached in a slow, zig-zag path, and Mikasa flung herself at its nape, slicing it open with a single clean cut. She returned to her horse, frantically looking around for her friends' locations. She breathed out a sigh of relief as she caught sight of Sasha's familiar brown ponytail. She had just blinded a titan's eyes for another scout to finish it off; Jean, she soon realized. Glancing to her right, she could see Armin and Eren steadily moving along on their horses with Connie in the rear. With a quick survey behind her, she found everyone else free from harm as well. More level-headed now that everyone's safety was confirmed, she continued forward with renewed concentration.

Afterward, they counted seven deaths. And although Mikasa mourned for them, she could admit she was still selfish. None of the deaths belonged to those she particularly cared about, so she counted the expedition as a success and went to sleep with a light heart.

_Day 139: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! You're incredible, have a lovely day <3_

Four hours after the brutal battle had ended, Mikasa was crouched on top of the wall, where she shivered slightly as a breeze passed her. She glanced at Sasha in her makeshift bed, where she had promptly gone back to sleep upon delivering the note. The realization that Sasha still prioritized these notes even when she was injured made her both smile stupidly and feel a stab of pain in her chest.

She leaned over Sasha a little, who was lying on her back with her arms pressed to her sides. Her mouth was half-open, evident by the drool on the pillow. Mikasa made a displeased face.

"Wake up, Sasha," she said, lightly pulling on her ponytail. She stirred, mumbling something incoherent.

She sighed fondly. "Alright, I guess you can sleep for a bit longer. Thank you for remembering, by the way."

Sasha peeked at her through one eye. "Hm?"

"My birthday," Mikasa clarified. "I'd completely forgotten."

"Oh, that." Sasha smiled to herself. "I don't exactly have a gift prepared, so my lovely presence will have to do."

Mikasa let out a startled laugh. "Your loveliness is enough." She could see Eren, Captain Levi, and Commander Hange waiting in her peripheral vision. She sighed. "Well, rest up. You got hurt pretty bad back there." She stood up. "I'm going to regroup with the others, alright? We have to go check something out."

Sasha made a noncommittal sound. "You're so loud," she mumbled. Mikasa gave her one last doting look before leaving her to rest.

Despite all else, the notes continued.

_Day 264: You're beautiful :)_

Mikasa blushed. "Thank you."

Sasha eyed her expectantly. "Well, aren't you going to say it back?"

"Sasha, just go look in a mirror and you'll see."

"Huh?" Sasha scrunched up her nose. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means..." Mikasa pinched her cheek lightly. "That you're gorgeous."

Now, it was Sasha's turn to blush. "I wasn't being serious."

"Well, I am."

Sasha threw herself at Mikasa, wrapping her in a tight hug. "Mikasa... You're making me feel shy!"

Mikasa laughed happily into her hair. _That's how you always make me feel._

_Day 503: I think about you all the time_

"Why, I'm so annoying that I won't leave your mind?" Mikasa joked, because she had no idea how else to respond without revealing too much about herself, about Sasha's constant habitation in her own mind. It seemed too... real.

Mikasa worried that she had said something wrong when Sasha - usually bursting with energy - did not reply. She was about to change the subject - if only for something to fill the silence - when Sasha finally spoke.

"Hey, Mikasa."

"Yeah?"

"Do you still like Eren?"

The question surprised Mikasa. "Oh, no, I... I completely forgot about that, to be honest."

Sasha looked satisfied with her answer, but Mikasa couldn't fathom the reason.

"Why?"

Sasha wouldn't meet her eyes, instead concentrating her gaze on something by her shoes. "No reason," she said.

_Day 1372: Thank you for being my best friend. I like you a lot <3_

The day after, Eren's letter arrived. Mikasa was beyond relieved that he was alright, but his plan...

Once it had been announced, Sasha immediately turned to Mikasa.

"Wow... Eren's always getting us into trouble, huh?" She didn't really sound angry; rather, just tired.

Mikasa knitted her brows together, lips pressed together in a firm line. "I don't know what he's thinking, making all these rash decisions on his own."

Sasha sighed. "Well, I don't think any of us can understand him. He's not a bad person though, hm?"

Mikasa nodded slowly. _No, I suppose not._

On the ship heading toward Marley, Sasha walked over to Mikasa and sat down beside her. She gazed at Mikasa slyly as she handed her a note, though there was also a hint of nervousness somewhere there. "Don't read it until we've come back from the mission, okay?"

Mikasa frowned slightly, wondering what could've possibly been written in this tiny folded paper that she couldn't read now. Not thinking too much of it, she tucked it away safely in her pocket. "Okay," she promised with a warm smile. Then Sasha started talking about trivial things, and the pair chatted about nothing and everything for the rest of the journey. If Mikasa had known this would be the last promise she'd make to Sasha, she would've said a lot more. There was still so much she wanted to tell her.

The mission was over. Mikasa told herself that after exchanging a few words with Armin, she would go find Sasha. Before she could even finish the prior step, the news was rushed in, and Mikasa froze in disbelief for all but three seconds before Armin took her arm. Instantly snapping out of it, she rushed over to the other room, heart pounding with terror. She swung the door open, ignoring the sharp pain that spread through her fingertips where they had banged against the door. During the short time it took for her to make her way over here, she had repeated to herself, _it'll be okay, it'll be okay,_ but nothing... nothing could've prepared her for this horrifying sight.

She stared down at the bloody figure, a bone-chilling feeling traveling down her spine. She silently pleaded for this to be some kind of sick nightmare, because what would Mikasa do if the light of her life was gone?

Shaking her head, she kneeled down next to the body. She frantically searched those brown eyes for recognition, for proof that she was still there. Sasha's pupils slid slightly to the left, half-lidded like it took a great deal of strength and willpower to complete the simple action, where they rested somewhere not quite at Mikasa's eyes; somewhere a bit below, perhaps her lips...

She didn't know if Sasha could still hear her clearly, and it scared her so much. "Oh my god, Sasha..." Mikasa reached out and grasped her hand firmly, heart dropping at the feeling of the warm, sticky blood that covered it. She could not cry. She could not cry because how could she be so cruel as to let Sasha see her in pain after so many years of teaching her how to be happy? Sasha hated seeing her hurt, and Mikasa hated making Sasha unhappy, so she bit down on her lip roughly until she could taste the metallic tang. But she did not cry.

"You're okay, alright? Sasha, you'll be okay. Okay?" She knew she was rambling, but the desperation within her was rising as high as the tide under a full moon, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She wasn't sure who she was trying to convince with those meaningless words. Yet, she pressed on, because if she gave the situation the chance to settle in completely, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop the onslaught of emotions. "Sasha, we'll be okay, please?" Sasha's lips curved upward, just a little, into a small smile. Mikasa recognized that smile - it was the same one she made whenever Mikasa said something particularly amusing or absurd. Mikasa adored her smile, but at this moment, it made her blood run cold.

"Mikasa," she whispered hoarsely. Mikasa's eyes widened.

She dropped her head onto Sasha's shoulder, shaking violently. "Please..."

Loud footsteps approached. Mikasa did not look up. The steps continued until they stopped next to Sasha's torso, and then the person dropped down to their knee. The air was disturbingly silent, yet Mikasa somehow knew what was about to happen. She had seen the bloodied bandages, of course, but had chosen to disregard them, for her own sanity. She had noticed the slowing rise and fall of Sasha's chest, but her mind did not let her ponder on it. She had glimpsed the light gradually leaving her eyes, but she convinced herself it was just a trick of the light. _Just a trick..._

The sound of the third person in the room standing up jolted Mikasa from her thoughts. She held her breath, inaudibly pleading for them to spare her the agony of confirming what her subconscious already knew. If it wasn't stated aloud, Mikasa could pretend that it wasn't true.

But the world wasn't so kind. "She's gone," the voice grit out, with nothing less than complete despair. It was Connie. Mikasa clenched her teeth together almost painfully, tightening her hold on Sasha's hand while pulling her head to her chest. Tears pricked at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Foolishly, she hoped that perhaps letting the sound of her beating heart wash over Sasha would bring her back to life, but of course it did not.

It would be easy to blame Eren for this whole ordeal; for leading his friends into the heart of danger. But what use would it be, appointing the fault to someone? It wouldn't change a single thing.

At the funeral, Mikasa refuses to speak to anyone. She attends silently, eyes kept downcast as she focuses them on her muddy boots. She is hyperaware of the note still in her pocket, if not a little wrinkled, and she grasps it tightly as she waits for the ceremony to be over.

Once everyone disperses, she finds her way over to Sasha's gravestone. She looks vacantly at the engravings for a moment before walking over to the backside and sliding down onto the wet grass. She wraps her arms around her knees and buries her head in her lap. Nothing feels real... she can't bring herself to accept it. Her throat begins to close up, and she quickly takes an unsteady deep breath. Untucking herself from her knees, she straightens her back and reaches for her pocket with a trembling hand. She curls her body to shield it from the downpour, then runs a finger over the paper. It's smooth against her soft touch, and she closes her eyes briefly before slowly unfolding the note.

_Day 1374: I'm really glad you've learned to love yourself. You're amazing, for real!!_

_You're so amazing, in fact, that I think I've fallen in love with you._

She stares at the last eight words, rereads them three times, then stares some more. _Love,_ the ink displays clearly in Sasha's familiar handwriting. The letters are distinct, as she always connected the _l_ and _o_ together and rounded the _v,_ despite Mikasa telling her that a lot of people might mistake it for a _u._ But every time Mikasa mentioned it, Sasha had disregarded her concern and instead flashed her a wide grin.

Mikasa had been puzzled for a while about why she couldn't get Sasha off her mind - she was her first thought upon waking up in the morning and the last thought she had before falling asleep at night. _Has Sasha woken up yet? Is she okay? Did she enjoy dinner? I wonder if she's asleep yet. Does she have nightmares? I want to help her like she's helped me. I hope she sleeps well._

She hadn't been able to put a name on her feelings toward Sasha. She believed this was how friends just were - constantly on each other's minds. But now she has a word for it: _love._

"Why...why did it have to be you?" she whispers. She receives no answer aside from the sudden burst of wind blowing her hair in front of her face. It stops just as abruptly, and the world is still once more.

Pulling her knees closer to her chest, she clutches the note tightly against her convulsing heart. Everything hurts so badly. She can sense the tears coming, and she knows that once they start, she won't be able to stop them. She tries to imagine Sasha waiting for her in their shared room, or the cheerful way she used to greet Mikasa every day, or the genuine, sweet smile playing at her lips as she waited for Mikasa to read her notes. She tries to conjure every happy memory for Sasha, because Sasha had told her to push away the bad thoughts with that stern look that Mikasa couldn't help but laugh at, and Mikasa had agreed, had _promised._ In this moment, sitting against the cold, flat back of the gravestone, Mikasa decides she is the worst friend to ever set foot on Earth, because what decent friend can't even keep a simple promise? Though Mikasa is skilled at a lot of things, controlling her emotions isn't one of them. She tries, reminding herself over and over again that this isn't what Sasha would want, but she _can't_ and she falls completely, devastatingly apart.

The world seems to be playing a game with Mikasa, one which she never agreed to participate in. It had quickly become obvious that the game wasn't made to be fun for her, and was actually quite cruel. But Mikasa has long since realized that this game isn't for Mikasa's enjoyment at all. The world can change the rules whenever it wishes; it can pull strings and play as unfairly as it desires to. The objective of the game: to make Mikasa as miserable as possible. Of course, Mikasa didn't want to play, but she didn't have much of a say. So many times, Mikasa, naive as ever, believed the game had ended - when her parents were murdered in front of her very eyes as a mere child; when her friends and comrades died gruesomely while she could do little more than stare in horror from afar; when the kind, caring boy she'd practically grown up with became nothing more than a stranger. But the game continued beyond her breaking point. Mikasa admits the world is rather good at this game, seeing as she has never felt so heartbroken in her entire life.

She stays at the gravestone under the pouring rain until sunset.

Over the few years the two women had roomed, battled, and survived together, Mikasa had collected hundreds upon hundreds of notes. She kept them in neat stacks in the box under her bed. Some were earnest; others, witty. Often, their days were so packed and stressful that they barely had time to talk, and those were days where Sasha would write about minor, insignificant things that happened, like harmless overheard gossip or catching someone trip over their own feet (usually Connie). Nevertheless, these simple notes were frequently the highlight of her day.

When they had to urgently leave the island, Mikasa knew she couldn't bring the box, but she felt restless at the thought of leaving it behind. So, one late night after Sasha was already asleep, she took out the box and - under the dim glow of a candle - dug through them for the ones she especially liked. She kept them in an envelope and packed them securely in her bag. Now, the bag sits in the new room she stays at alone, collecting dust in the dark corner. She carries the last note with her at all times, but avoids the others.

Days turn into weeks. Eren has, once again, gone astray. She misses him deeply, but when they meet again, she finds that she'd rather have never seen him at all. She cries as he spits cruel words in her face, and she wonders what happened to her stoic nature; she never used to cry so easily. Sasha had praised her strength, but Mikasa realizes she is weak and useless without her best friend by her side. That night, when they return to their individual rooms, she throws away her restraint and goes straight to the bag. In hindsight, it would've been a good idea to clean away the dust beforehand, but this kind of minor inconvenience doesn't even cross her mind. She digs out the envelope and, for a while, does nothing but gingerly hold it in her tremoring hands.

Finally, she sits down on her bed on the side closer to the wall. The envelope lays in her lap, dirty and old. She stares at the space in front of her with unfocused eyes, welcoming the silence. A few seconds pass, and she shakes her head before bringing her attention down to the envelope.

It suddenly seems like the hardest thing in the world, opening this envelope. She mentally prepares herself for it, but it's all in vain.

When she reaches inside for a letter, the envelope slides out from her fingertips and falls lightly, a few notes spilling out upon impact. She isn't prepared for the overwhelming rush of emotions in the slightest, or the sudden painful pull at her heart. Her eyes fall on all the curves and edges of Sasha's writing, from the nearly illegible scribbles to the neatly spaced letters. The most recent one prior to their attack on Marley catches her eye. She picks it up with an unsteady hand.

_Day 1372: Thank you for being my best friend. I like you a lot <3_

It hurts something horrid, reading these words. She vividly remembers her reaction upon receiving them. Laughing a bit at her bewildered expression, Sasha had tugged her into a tight hug straight away, and Mikasa had stood in astonishment for just a moment before hesitantly returning the embrace, wrapping her arms around Sasha's waist. And when she had moved to pull away, Sasha leaned in to kiss her.

If Mikasa had been surprised at the hug, it was nothing compared to this. She forgot how to move, how to speak, how to _act_ , and all she could do was stare at Sasha dumbly. It was just a quick peck - one could barely count it as a kiss - but it made Mikasa's heart beat wildly. It took all her concentration to keep her legs from giving out below her, and she was still gaping at Sasha when she took a single step backwards, as if she wanted to give Mikasa some room to breathe. _(As if Mikasa needed it! She couldn't be so flustered from something so ridiculous!)_

"Mikasa." Sasha wore a highly amused look. "You okay there?"

She managed to snap herself out of it. "Uh, yeah." Her voice came out a bit hoarse. She cleared it, ears turning pink. "Yeah," she repeated more firmly.

Sasha laughed. Mikasa found the sound rather sweet. "Good, because it's time to go." Oh! Mikasa had completely forgotten about their tight schedule, being too caught up in the... the kiss.

Just the thought of that measly word made her flush. Against her will, her face rapidly grew warmer. She had a feeling her face quite resembled a tomato at this point. Sasha was still looking at her with that stupid little smirk, but turned away to spare Mikasa's dignity as her blush darkened further.

"Didn't know you were such a prude," she sing-songed.

Mikasa squeaked comically, affronted. "I- I'm not!"

"Anyways," she continued on as if Mikasa hadn't spoken at all. "I'll meet you outside." She peered back briefly. Mikasa gulped at the eye contact. "An open mouth attracts flies, you know?"

Mikasa had immediately shut her mouth with a huff. As Sasha turned the corner and disappeared into the hall, snickering the entire way, Mikasa touched a single finger to her lips, still tingling with the fresh memory of Sasha's mouth soft against her own.

And now she touches her lips again, wishing more than anything that she had returned the kiss, so that they could've shared a proper one, at least.

She brings out the other note - the confession one, if it could be called that - and lays the two side-by-side on her open palms. She reads them over and over and over again until the words begin to blur together. A tear drops onto the paper, smudging the ink, and Mikasa startles with rising panic, because- because how could she taint something so important? She brings an arm up to her eyes to let the sleeve soak up the wetness. Sniffling quietly, she looks down at the damage done. The drop had fallen directly on the _l_ of _love_ , and Mikasa's entire being aches with the realization that it was ruined. _She_ ruined it. Sasha isn't here to write it again. She won't ever be.

"Come back," she whispers as tears stream down her face. "Please, come back." It's an impossible wish, she knows.

She silently returns the note back to its rightful place in the envelope. She contemplates having the newest note join the collection, but decides against it. She slips that one neatly in her right pocket before sealing the envelope and standing up, tucking it away in the bag once more.

In a world like theirs, the worst thing one could do is fall in love. But she had gone and done exactly that, hadn't she? It seems impossible that she'd ever be alright again.

That night, she lies awake until the birds begin to chirp. Her nightmares are the main thing that keep her up, refusing to let her rest. Predictably, they consist of nothing but recounts of that day on the airship. In these torturous dreams, Mikasa is always just a hair away from pushing Sasha out of danger, but it is never enough.

When she awakes in a panicked state for the umpteenth time, she decides it's useless trying to get a wink of sleep. She sits up slowly, then twists her body to light the only source of illumination nearby - the candle which sits beside her bed. The fire dances, throwing wild shadows across the room. For a while, all she does is sit, eyes unfocused and limbs unmoving. She clears her mind and doesn't think about anything.

After a bit, her back begins to ache. Finally, she shifts from her position on the bed and gradually slides off the side. She looks around the room, from the window on the left to the door on the right. She turns around and stares at the candle. There's a piece of parchment by it, slightly curled.

She makes her way over to it, moving in a way that's almost mechanical. She remembers the quill in the first drawer and bends slightly to take it out. Now, she stands with the parchment in one hand and the quill in the other.

She sits down on the ground, cross-legged, and begins to write.


End file.
